YOU ARE SETTLING WHEN YOU ARE TRYING TO CHANGE SOMEONE…
Settling - ooooof. This is a hot topic for me at selfishladies. For the longest time women have settled. Face it, you settle. Men settle too, but I think (no research here) women are more prone to settling. We are more prone to it because we are socialized to put the needs others before ourselves in efforts to develop our sense of self worth. So if I meet your needs, I allow you to feel good, which means you are happy, which means you like me, which means I can like myself.
EW.
Right?
Just ew. But for the majority of the women in my life, the women who visit this page, the women who are reading this – this is the case for us. This makes us ripe for settling. This outdated and toxic belief system that 'I OWE' something even if that person doesn't act in a deserving matter. I have been stuck there, tons of my clients have been stuck there, and if you are reading this, you might be stuck there currently.
Let me be the one to tell you – YOU DO NOT OWE ANYONE ANYTHING EXCEPT YOURSELF. If you sense early into a relationship that you have to change someone in order for them to be what/who you need, then you are settling.
You are putting your needs aside and buying into a false beliefs that:
a. People can be changed by you, and
b. That you have to change people in order to be with someone who wants to be with you, and who you want to be with.
This is complete and utter BS. You are both worthy and capable of being with someone as awesome as you, who is, at baseline, fabulous and what you need. Now, do not take this out of context. I am by no means saying that this is all or nothing – that someone out there is perfect, and if not perfect they are terrible. NO. There is no such thing as perfection. But at baseline, the person you are with needs to be someone you want to be with, who is willing and able to meet your needs.
What do I mean by this? If what you need is to be encouraged by your partner, and you end up with someone who talks you out of what you want by discouraging and undermining your strengths, it is NOT YOUR JOB to teach this person how to appreciate you or speak respectfully to you. It is your job to acknowledge that this person is not right for you and is not what you need and break it off.
If you communicate your needs and this person does nothing to change their approach or their response to you in way that leaves you feeling listened to and respected, it is not your job to drill it into this person's head and make them change. You asked repeatedly, they didn’t do anything, GET OUT.
This is the very behavior (of their's) that you need to be understanding rather than excusing.
If you tell them that you have a difficult time when they are MIA from their phone for 24 hours without getting back in touch with you, and you would appreciate it if they shot you a quick message if they are going to be out of commission, and they deny you this or make you feel badly for asking – GET OUT.
If you, on more than one occasion, communicate your sexual preferences and they do not do anything to acknowledge they heard you, nor made any attempt to change behaviorally, GET OUT.
If your family is important to you and you invite them to visit your family, but they continually make excuses, GET OUT.
If, on several occasions, you make plans and they take little to no interest or they tell you last minute that they have other plans with their friends and want/expect you to drop what you did and join them, GET OUT.
If they speak disrespectfully about your appearance and your body, GET OUT.
If you are doing more for them emotionally and physically and you have brought this to their attention because you want/need more from them and they do not do anything about it, GET OUT.
Is this sinking in yet? You do not have to change someone to get what you need. Their character needs to be up to snuff at baseline, and if its not, keep on dating girl. Don’t stop until you find what you need. Again, NOT perfection, but rather quality of character.
What do I mean by this? Materialistic/superficial/looks aside (they are not bad things but these characteristics come and go) – I am talking about needs you have that are your core needs; things that cannot and should not be taught:
Respectful communication, consideration when making big decisions, interest in your life and in your work, desire to include you in their life and be included in yours, respect for your family and where you come from, willingness to have difficult conversations without running or blaming you for them, etc…
These are needs. Needs that need to be met, and not taught. You are not a teacher. Nor a saint. Your needs come first. Never forget it. Increase those standards!
*** Disclaimer - if you have not yet addressed your needs with this person by setting boundaries, DO NOT JUMP to breaking up. Please read my article here on how to set boundaries.