Here we go ladies - the reality most of us are afraid to face so we ignore, deny and rose-color-glass ourselves to the point that our anxiety is BUBBLING OVER AND WE CANNOT CONTROL IT ANYMORE. To make things a bit more validating and encouraging, I developed this list (see image above) for you. If you relate to most or all of these variables, you need to break up.
You are ready to break up.
And you owe it to yourself to break up.
You must learn how to validate what you already know to be true for you! If you are having these thoughts, you know you are ready and need to break up. BUT, like I said, you talk yourself out of it and ignore it for as long as possible. Sometimes prolonging this dysfunctional relationship for years longer than it should last.
The basis of being a selfishlady is to VALIDATE that what you think and feel are valid. What you do about it however is not. Most ladies accurately pick up on their dissatisfaction. They accurately identify they are not getting their needs met, and they sense that they want something better or different. All correct and all great steps. BUT THEN, they take a WRONG turn.
What turn is that?
They BLAME themselves for feeling this way! And then what transpires? Guilt, shame and insecurity - what does that behavior look like? Trying hard to make this relationship work, acting erratically with their partner, getting upset with their partner for not trying harder, or when they do try harder getting mad at themselves for not liking it or wanting it. We start giving ourselves deadlines, and say things like “well I will give this another few months - if I can just change my views of my partner and reset I can start to love him/her again”
Do not do this. Just stop it. Please - all of you ladies out there who have done this or are doing this, just stop it.
You do not have to make a relationship work in order to have value, worth and power. You are powerful and fabulous. We date so that we can get to know people and meet those who complement us and who we fit with. In order to find these people we have to trudge through the weeds. We have to meet and break up and meet and break up, and NOT shame ourselves for that. It is not your job to make your partner into the person you need him/her to be. It IS your job to identify when they are not your person and break up with them.
This is the stage in which most ladies respond to me with: “Well isn't that selfish?” My answer: “YES IT IS!!” If your romantic life is not in your best interest, then you better start getting selfish.
Now, if you reflect and realize that you are having the same issues, consistently in each relationship, then there is a deeper issue to explore. Insight to be gained about what your role is in these dynamics (almost always lack of boundaries and lack of awareness about what you need and thus negative thoughts about yourself and others etc). Additionally, if you have not yet spoken honestly to your partner about what you need and letting them know how what they are doing is different from that - if you have not given them the opportunity to change, then stop what you are doing and do that first (read more here on how to do that).
But if you know this relationship is not for you and you are looking for more and you have talked to your partner and realize that no change is going to make this work for you, then you have my permission, if you need some permission, to end it and move on.
No hard feelings. No shame or anger. No hatred. Just a simple, thank you for being part of my journey, I am going to move forward alone.